I have never seen a night so calm as I watched you puff on your cigarettes while sitting on the living room sofa. Your tears flow in silence as the sound of the void consumes the atmosphere. We hate each other yet there is nothing in this universe that could inhibit our pheromone attraction for each other. We would not last long, I am aware but I know you want me, no, I am just hallucinating.
A dilemma I must choose between a non-stop lifetime war, or to cease everything now. “Keep smiling, nothing is significant anymore, I have already mourned, now go away from me”. Those are the words you would be hearing as I watch tears building up around your perfect hazel iris. Our story could never have ended in calm and tenderness as it was never meant to exist. I will never admit that some of my own emotions scare me. Stop being apathetic. I beg you darling please say something…
There is nothing to say! Look around you, can’t you see it is chaos! Look at us dear, the destiny written by the gods for us is a tragedy and the gods are not ashamed. But why do I feel that you are my only remedy? A clarity for my forsaken empty soul? You know damn well what’s wrong with me. You know that my agony is carved on my heart and written on my skin. Don’t hold on tight if you doubt, don’t hold on tight if you know it will cost you. Yet, I love you so much. I love you as much as I can. I love you and I’m trying my best. I’m giving you everything I have so please try to see that in me.
Remember when we used to say : “Let’s wait and see, love is a big fire. It crackles, it illuminates, it shines, it is warm”. So we light up a match to create the spark of our beginnings. We loved each other more than anything, quarantined ourselves in our bubble against the world. Yes, these flames drove us crazy but we forgot that in the end that fire burns…
As I descended back to a reality filled with disappointment, I started losing my voice, then it was my faith. Forget it! I lost both at the same time. Without you, I wish to fly without wings from the roof of my apartment building. Or I could seek help and drown myself in medications but what will they tell you I wonder? Unwanted thoughts like these make me despise you sometimes. Then it is decided. Tonight, I am making my last attempt as I resigned myself from existence. The moment you listen to me, I will be gone because I am quiet now and silence gives you space.