Author: Wong Jia Bin

[This article illustrates the situation and changes that have happened in dating apps and the relationship status drawing from personal anecdotes, experiences and research. Kindly scroll away if it infringes upon any beliefs or values, or if it might make you uncomfortable, although you might miss a great piece that scrutinizes the current predicament of dating apps.]

Another ordinary moment of the day — opening Tinder, or Tantan, or any other dating app moved by boredom or, at least, by curiosity in experimenting with the possibility of finding love in this virtual era, swiping left and right to like or dislike a profile, as if you are in the dominant position of this dating game. It might be appealing and arousing for the first few days of experience, but it gets boring: loneliness as the deeply-rooted reason for trying dating apps does not fade away even after the algorithm^[1] has assisted in suggesting all suitable profiles until there are none left. Pathetic, isn’t it? But why?

Do you know how a person starts getting into dating apps? Well, the apps have to exist in the first place, of course. The globalisation of intimacy^[2] opens a whole new virtual world for anyone to do anything anonymously, including connecting with “the one” on social dating apps, with the mental assumption that you are being “protected” by the virtual online barrier. Accompanied by boredom, loneliness and curiosity, you will fantasise about encountering “the one”, while realising another phenomenon: “Fast-food relationship” (as translated from Chinese – 快餐式恋情). Similar to the nature of the fast-food industry, you will notice the rushed approach users are taking — saying “hi” upon matching, checking background information, texting in the early stages but losing interest drastically after no guarantee of meeting out and ending the conversation by not proactively initiating chats. The whole process will repeat itself again, just with another person. Even if a physical meeting is made feasible, oftentimes, in the context of gay communities, it will be a hookup instead of a real, innocent hangout with deep (or shallow, it doesn’t matter) conversations. The situation occurs with an underlying principle of “no assurance = no commitment”. This implies that the inability to marry places the homosexual couples in a situation lacking guarantee and trust, thus discouraging them from committing to a serious relationship and seeking only sexual pleasure instead. In other words, unlike heterosexual couples for whom marriage and family establishment are somewhat regarded as the “final destination”, only sexual pleasure is often viewed as the “final destination”, where they might think: “Why not just do it since I have nothing to lose, right?” Therefore, with all these intertwining phenomena, dating apps only deteriorate the user’s boredom, loneliness and curiosity, failing to solve the root cause of its usage. 

Trust me, it is just the tip of the dating apps’ iceberg. At a stretch, the phenomenon of fast-food relationships merely serves as a foundation for the unpleasant experience of dating apps. The cherry on the top would undoubtedly be the deliberate misrepresentation of truth. Indeed, abusing dating apps pushes fantasy to a “pro max” level, leading general users to sincerely believe that a 6’5 finance guy with blue eyes working in a trust fund exists, and will fall in love with you at first sight (of your profile). As a consequence, such far-fetched beliefs, similarly generated from drama and series, create an illusion for the public thus urging users to fake their profile to be tailored to consumer demand. Noting that the misrepresentation of “truth” here is not only limited to visual appearance, but also social status, education level, wealth, geographical location, profession and many more that can be honoured materialistically. Following this logic stream, it is not uncommon to witness love scams and dangerous sexual behaviours (ex. Chem fun / drug use), endangering the users with disillusionment caused by unverified profiles and destructing the principle of love being loyal and pure for the desired. And again, the root cause of using apps remains stern and firm, and users will be continuously frustrated and disappointed between this virtual world of turning an “algorithm-slave”; and in real life of not meeting “the one”.

“Don’t demonize dating apps anymore!” — that’s the echo I had in my mind, which should be in yours too upon reading until here. Well, technically speaking, since dating apps possess the integral feature of community-building, they facilitate two outcomes:

(i) the sense of belonging in a similar community

(ii) the possibility of dismantling social discrimination through informative exchange made between users and between app developers and users. 

With regard to (i), although controversial, dating apps have undeniably assisted the public with low self-esteem and confidence to connect with those with the same interest, with the aid of the “protection” layer mentioned previously, particularly for the LGBTQIA+ community (ex. Grindr & Blued). On a side note, research even discovered that the thirst for romance and the relief from stress at work and home are reasons encouraging women to use dating apps^[3]. 

With regard to (ii), there are tons of features installed in multiple dating apps targeted to break stereotypes and prejudice towards the minorities. As the crucial factor in creating discrimination is the fact of not knowing and/or being reluctant to receive new information, education in dating apps turns out to be an effective medium to accomplish the goal. To support this idea, an instance can be elaborated is the invention of gay terminology in Grindr. Grindr app developers have created a guideline in explaining the commonly-used term across gay community, allowing them to understand better what is ‘419’, ‘fwb’, ‘fnf’, and many more labels regarding body sizes and sex position (top, side, chubby, 1, 0, etc.). Apart from that, “private albums” feature is widely implemented across dating apps too, with the purpose to create consensus across users in realising beforehand possible pornographic content being hidden in this album, thus filtering candidates according to their current desire. And lastly, while this may be surprising, in Japan, extra registration charges in dating apps are required for males as a protection for females, although it might be reasoned through stereotypes that females are unconditionally weaker than males. Notwithstanding the controversy and the effectiveness of these features, the intention to protect minorities and to further destruct social injustice should be appreciated. 

But again, is the root cause being resolved completely and perfectly through these advantages that dating apps provide? Unfortunately, it’s still a no. 

Here’s the last thing to consider: Why is such a niche topic about relationships — dating apps — being discussed? As per my friend’s saying, in many cases, certain issues are not sufficiently voiced out, which hence become silently drowned and neglected by others. The de-stigmatisation of social dating apps is significantly required, considering Malaysia’s low-acceptance-level country towards dating apps, according to a research by Universiti Teknologi MARA in 2020. Like sex education, when it is regarded as taboo and with inadequate information spread to the public, users will only be viewed as a “playboy/girl”; individuals with low self-esteem will only be even more afraid to socialise; and most importantly, victims will only be embarrassed to step out and seek help. Most importantly, this is never a niche topic — it impacts equally to all kinds of relationships, regardless of sexuality or preference. At least, for me, since I have the power to write and influence, I feel like I have the responsibility to use my voice wisely in tackling issues that are dear to me.

To end this reflective article, I would like to drop a few questions wishing to ignite conversations with your peers courageously and freely (Note: discussing the question chronologically facilitates a better conversation experience) :

1. What is a romantic relationship to you?
2. What matters the most in a romantic relationship?
3. How would you differentiate romantic relationship from other relationships (friendship typically)?
4. What is your opinion on the rise of “situationship”?
5. When situationship blurs the line between friendship and romantic relationship, what is love then?

Edited by: Afiq Fauzi

[1] One of the algorithms that dating app developers uses is the Gale-Shapley Algorithm, ensuring the “most stable” match across profiles according to users’ preferences, although it can be criticised in two ways : What is “most stable” for users, and, How the matching frequency affects profile quality in the long run. Read this article (https://medium.com/swlh/dating-data-an-overview-of-the-algorithm-afb9f0c08e2c) if you are interested in acquiring more information.

[2],[3] As introduced/researched in the article entitled “Online Dating in Asia: A Systematic Literature Review” by Sarah May et. al., published on International Journal of Academic Research in Business & Social Sciences on 3rd December 2022